I would like to make to appologies. Firstly to my ever increasing list of avid readers for not having written for such a long time. I started feeling weird about writing when Matt found this because as you all know, I primarily write about boys. And when you know that the boy you're writing about it reading what you write, it's a bit unnerving.

Secondly, a few among you have approached me with concern reguarding my despondent posts. I just want to reassure you that my life isn't as bad as it is portrayed here. I just have a natural tendency to exclude the good things. Not because I like to dwell in self-degradation, but only because when I'm feeling a little dejected it is very calming to write everything out. It puts things into persective, sorts out the incessant thoughts in my head and most of all I just find it easier to write when I'm feeling down.

Which is what I'm doing now. I woke up crying this morning. Very silly. I just couldn't stop. There has been build up toward feeling so crap but after recent events I should be feeling better, not worse!

Well, as most of you know I have been getting a little paranoid about MAtt's ex-girlfriend recently. I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to hink of me as paranoid. I honestly didn't believe i had anything to worry about, regarding him cheating on me, I was just weary because I know how much he loves her and let's face it girls are naturally competitive (Andy will back me up). But anway, moving along.

I met her last night. I was very nervous to say the least and after relentless over-analization of the situation at hand I discovered why. Due to the amount of perfection I had build her up to posess, I felt I needed to make a good impression. The best way I can decribe it is that he already loves her so she could act anyway she feels and it wouldn't make a difference. I don't have that freedom (no pressure babe, we just haven't been together that long). Moving along again.

I don't quite know why I feel that her opinion is so important, but I guess it's coz she is important to Matt, so her opinion is important to him, and he's important to me. Something like that.

I went to Matt's house and was absolutely delighted to see that Katy, (the judgemental best-friend) turned out to be Katy Hindle (Jess's friend!). So that was an absolute blessing. Anyway, it turns out that all my ideals were true. She is pretty much the perfect chick. The only different thing was that I pictured her very differently and so it was almost like I wasn't meeting the right person. Calming too. Anyway she's very sweet and I don't think the evening could have worked out better if I had planned it. Nevertheless I'm glad it's over!

But getting back to this morning. I woke up expecting to feel better and yet my head was still racing with thoughts. Voices. Images. It was aweful. Consciously I knew these thoughts were ridiculous but they just wouldn't stop swirling around in my head. It's difficult to explain but there were so many thoughts it overwhelmed me and I couldn't make sense of it. Each image merged with the next (details of the images are a little too vile to describe) and each sentence had no ending. It was't so much the thoughts themselves that were getting to me, rather the mere presence of them. No, I lie, it was a combination.

I had believed that after last night, my worries would be settled (not entirely, of course, I'm still realistic...) and my thoughts would cease. But alas, I was wrong. I can't escape from my head and I can't make sense of what's going on in it and I feel worse because I know the thoughts are rediculous and I also feel that I have to explain myself to people who see me in that state of mind. I don't understand myself so it's really difficult, perhaps even impossible to explain to another. Matt really helped though. Despite my disability in rusk-eating, he really made me feel better. I know he thinks he doesn't know how to comfort me, but he does.

But hey, everyone has their bad days.