I bought the Cosmo yesterday out of shear desperation in this unabating search for guidance. I am convinced that four of the articles were written specifically for me. Two of which I took a great interest in.

One was entitled “Snoop diggy dig” and discussed the reasons why women feel the need to snoop around through there man’s belongings. Without re-typing the entire article, the basic argument is that women (usually in their early 20’s or 30’s) snoop to either make decisions on the suitability of a new relationship or when something in the relationship seems amiss.

Now, I’ve never actually snooped, but I’ve felt the need to countless times! At first it was just to discover more about Matt because he has a tendency to keep things to himself. This I respect and find no fault in, as most (if not all) men are more inclined to this behaviour. Then when his ex began to proclaim a more intricate part of his present life the urge began again. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I just can’t help being curious. It’s my nature. I’m just glad to find out that I’m not a cynical psychopath and that if there is an article about it, there surely must be others who feel this way. I know that even Tam, who has been with Carl for over four years, is no stranger to this arbitrary conduct.

The second article is about letting go of emotional baggage. It explains how one should write a letter to the person at the source of your pain. I began thinking and realized that I have never truly recovered from Paul’s betrayal. Most of my insecurities now are directly related to my low level of self worth. I never used to have any wholes barred in my confidence. I believed that he was the only person who truly loved me but I don’t believe that true love allows defiant maliciousness. The only conclusion is that he never actually loved me in the first place and that forces me towards believe the worst about myself. And if I only think the worst about myself then how will Matt ever succeed in thinking any differently?

I’m very confused right now but all I do know is that if the tables were turned, I definitely wouldn’t be able to (or be prepared to) tolerate this behaviour!

There’s another thing that has been different lately. I don’t write in my diary anymore. These days I depend on my blog as a form of release whereas before my diary was my rambling spot. Because my diary was private, I would write everything out and it would never have to be known by anyone else. In that way I could sort out my thoughts for myself without having them become a reality. I may have to return to that method…