Despondent

Ever felt completely alone? I do sometimes. But that's not what it's about.

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but if you've ever met me for even a second you'd know that I just can't help myself. I'm more than aware of all the things I should be doing - enjoying the time I have, savouring each moment - but this awareness makes it all that much more painful. I joke to try make things easier. It's almost as if I believe that if I ignore it long enough, it won't happen. But it will. And too soon.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough. I hope we're strong enough. Each time we attempt a discussion it always ends in tears and a light slumber, needless to say, ignoring it further. It has almost become taboo.

I try to be strong but in all honesty I'm weak. And when the pillar that's keeping you from crumbling is in fact the one that's leaving, how do you keep your feeble self from falling? I don't know where to turn. It's too late to change the plans. It's too hard to keep them.

And everyone's got so much stuff going on for them right now, I understand that it's not their problem. But it's mine. And I just need someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything's going to be ok, even if that's just what you say.

The Notorious Pirate Party

I can't believe that it's finally Brad's Pirate Party. When we all first heard about it two years ago, we all thought it would happen that year. Then when it was scheduled for this year it was kind of like one of those things that you never really think is going to happen because it seems so far in the future. Then before you know it, you're at the Home Affairs office bribing whoever you can to put a rush on your passport. Wait - different story.

To be honest I wasn't looking forward to this partytjie. I'm pretty sick of twenty-firsts now. And all the mission of finding a costume and a present and a moment of spare time to actually put make-up on. Seriously, the grooming process has taken a plunge lately. In the morning I'm too dazed to bother if I look nice, and at night I'm too tired. All until today!

When Brad was looking for his costume, I stumbled upon the sluttiest, sleaziest, skankiest pirate costume to ever roam the seven seas. After all the dress up parties this year I finally have an actual "costume". I just sincerely hope that no-one else is planning on wearing the same thing...

Thinking Out Loud

I finally got my passport!!! Just by the by, if anyone complains about the Home Affairs office in Centurion, do yourselves a favour and go to Joburg Home Affairs to get a little perspective! You'll want to buy the staff in Centurion candy, flowers and a house in Connecticut with blue shutters and a porch-swing. (Have no idea why American dream popped into head).

Anyhoo. Very excited about overseas. Not excited about missing summer to sit freezing in the snow. All I need now is my Visa and I'm good to go. (I rhymed). Wish I had an iPod for the plane trip. I guess I only need one for the trip back. 80gig here we come!!! They're going to think I'm smuggling with all the Mac stuff I'm going to bring back. Then again, I'll probably have no money left seeing as though the value of the Rand keeps freakin' dropping. By South African standards, I'm rich at the moment! But I can't spend a cent. I could. I do. But I shouldn't.

14min 15seconds left to capture. Must smoke.

I feel that I should be posting something of substance. I feel it, just can't quite think what it is.

Work... Again

Not only am I working on a Sunday night and will have to be here for the next couple of hours, I'm all alone in a big scary building filled with lots of expensive equipment. There are security guards but I don't have much faith in their breed since the ones who came to fix our alarm at home ran off with two video cameras. (Insurance can replace the cameras, but nothing can replace the memories on the tapes which disappeared along with the bags.)

Not only am I scared shitless here, but the one computer won't read the input from the only other DV CAM and there's no fire-wire. So basically, I log for 30 minutes, then capture for 30. During those 30 minutes I have nothing to do but wait. This means that instead of being here for another 3 hours, I'll be here for 6. So I'll get home at 1:30am, then get up at 4:45am to come back.

Sometimes I really fucking hate this place.

I am so f**king bored. There's so much work to do but I have spent the majority of the day recapturing. A necessary task in order to continue, but so freakin tedious. I've re-read my whole blog (I used to be very naïve). Makes me a little sad. I was so full of feeling, even if it was most often heartbreak and torment, but now, lately, i've just been numb. I feel grey. Maybe it's reality settling in. Maybe it's just boredom. Maybe it's me forcing myself not to feel things I don't want to feel. Maybe it's a whole bunch of things. Maybe it's everything. I should never have woken up this morning.