I just received an email from a very precious friend:

hello you crazy little bug! how are you doing? im so glad to get an email from you and i can see you're not as unhappy as what i thought you were. i was just a bit worried cos i know you have andy over there with you, but me, jo and kay are away and i cant make sure you're okay! but i think i can leave that up to matt from now on. by the way, i actually had a little giggle when i read that you think he might become bored with you. jessica, come on! you are the most interesting, non-predictable person i know and proberly will never meet anyone as interesting as you! you know this! no-one knows what you're going to do next. i dont even think you know, so stop freaking yourself out, and well, over-analysing!

I feel a million times better. Thank you.

I bought the Cosmo yesterday out of shear desperation in this unabating search for guidance. I am convinced that four of the articles were written specifically for me. Two of which I took a great interest in.

One was entitled “Snoop diggy dig” and discussed the reasons why women feel the need to snoop around through there man’s belongings. Without re-typing the entire article, the basic argument is that women (usually in their early 20’s or 30’s) snoop to either make decisions on the suitability of a new relationship or when something in the relationship seems amiss.

Now, I’ve never actually snooped, but I’ve felt the need to countless times! At first it was just to discover more about Matt because he has a tendency to keep things to himself. This I respect and find no fault in, as most (if not all) men are more inclined to this behaviour. Then when his ex began to proclaim a more intricate part of his present life the urge began again. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I just can’t help being curious. It’s my nature. I’m just glad to find out that I’m not a cynical psychopath and that if there is an article about it, there surely must be others who feel this way. I know that even Tam, who has been with Carl for over four years, is no stranger to this arbitrary conduct.

The second article is about letting go of emotional baggage. It explains how one should write a letter to the person at the source of your pain. I began thinking and realized that I have never truly recovered from Paul’s betrayal. Most of my insecurities now are directly related to my low level of self worth. I never used to have any wholes barred in my confidence. I believed that he was the only person who truly loved me but I don’t believe that true love allows defiant maliciousness. The only conclusion is that he never actually loved me in the first place and that forces me towards believe the worst about myself. And if I only think the worst about myself then how will Matt ever succeed in thinking any differently?

I’m very confused right now but all I do know is that if the tables were turned, I definitely wouldn’t be able to (or be prepared to) tolerate this behaviour!

There’s another thing that has been different lately. I don’t write in my diary anymore. These days I depend on my blog as a form of release whereas before my diary was my rambling spot. Because my diary was private, I would write everything out and it would never have to be known by anyone else. In that way I could sort out my thoughts for myself without having them become a reality. I may have to return to that method…

I would like to make to appologies. Firstly to my ever increasing list of avid readers for not having written for such a long time. I started feeling weird about writing when Matt found this because as you all know, I primarily write about boys. And when you know that the boy you're writing about it reading what you write, it's a bit unnerving.

Secondly, a few among you have approached me with concern reguarding my despondent posts. I just want to reassure you that my life isn't as bad as it is portrayed here. I just have a natural tendency to exclude the good things. Not because I like to dwell in self-degradation, but only because when I'm feeling a little dejected it is very calming to write everything out. It puts things into persective, sorts out the incessant thoughts in my head and most of all I just find it easier to write when I'm feeling down.

Which is what I'm doing now. I woke up crying this morning. Very silly. I just couldn't stop. There has been build up toward feeling so crap but after recent events I should be feeling better, not worse!

Well, as most of you know I have been getting a little paranoid about MAtt's ex-girlfriend recently. I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to hink of me as paranoid. I honestly didn't believe i had anything to worry about, regarding him cheating on me, I was just weary because I know how much he loves her and let's face it girls are naturally competitive (Andy will back me up). But anway, moving along.

I met her last night. I was very nervous to say the least and after relentless over-analization of the situation at hand I discovered why. Due to the amount of perfection I had build her up to posess, I felt I needed to make a good impression. The best way I can decribe it is that he already loves her so she could act anyway she feels and it wouldn't make a difference. I don't have that freedom (no pressure babe, we just haven't been together that long). Moving along again.

I don't quite know why I feel that her opinion is so important, but I guess it's coz she is important to Matt, so her opinion is important to him, and he's important to me. Something like that.

I went to Matt's house and was absolutely delighted to see that Katy, (the judgemental best-friend) turned out to be Katy Hindle (Jess's friend!). So that was an absolute blessing. Anyway, it turns out that all my ideals were true. She is pretty much the perfect chick. The only different thing was that I pictured her very differently and so it was almost like I wasn't meeting the right person. Calming too. Anyway she's very sweet and I don't think the evening could have worked out better if I had planned it. Nevertheless I'm glad it's over!

But getting back to this morning. I woke up expecting to feel better and yet my head was still racing with thoughts. Voices. Images. It was aweful. Consciously I knew these thoughts were ridiculous but they just wouldn't stop swirling around in my head. It's difficult to explain but there were so many thoughts it overwhelmed me and I couldn't make sense of it. Each image merged with the next (details of the images are a little too vile to describe) and each sentence had no ending. It was't so much the thoughts themselves that were getting to me, rather the mere presence of them. No, I lie, it was a combination.

I had believed that after last night, my worries would be settled (not entirely, of course, I'm still realistic...) and my thoughts would cease. But alas, I was wrong. I can't escape from my head and I can't make sense of what's going on in it and I feel worse because I know the thoughts are rediculous and I also feel that I have to explain myself to people who see me in that state of mind. I don't understand myself so it's really difficult, perhaps even impossible to explain to another. Matt really helped though. Despite my disability in rusk-eating, he really made me feel better. I know he thinks he doesn't know how to comfort me, but he does.

But hey, everyone has their bad days.