I walked into the garden this morning to find my mother having a meeting with a doctor (without my knowledge or consent) discussing what anti-depressants to put me on. Great. I really don't want to go on anything. As much as I hate the way I feel, I hate the idea of dependence on medication even more. I've been through that stage already and I was desperately hoping that that stage was over. It becomes such a burden. Anyway, I guess that's enough moaning for one morning!

Varsity is great. Learning a lot. Making new friends. It gets my mind off all the people who aren't around anymore. Bearing this in mind I would still trade it for having them all back! But, I guess to change is to grow and lately I feel like I've been growing down and not up so this is probably the best thing for me at the moment.

SO CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even want to say anything about the situation yet in case I jinx something, but basically I think something is really going to happen between me and Dean. We spoke about it last night and I still don't know what's going on, but I have a very strange feeling that this may actually work out. I really don't want to count my chickens though.

COUNTING CROWS IS COMING IN MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have not posted for a while, I know, but it has not been intentional. My brother has had to take the computer to Joburg every day this last week and so I haven't had access to my beloved site.

I started studying on Thursday at the Technikon. Or should I say the Tswane University of Technology? i.e. TUT. To translate, I am henceforth a technological baboon. It's feels really great to finally be a student! My campus is really far away but after pondering about it, I started thinking that maybe it's a good change. This way I'll be forced to spend more time on campus which will hopefully result in meeting more people and adding to the whole 'student life' experience.

I have to admit that I really am pretty scared about the whole thing. I'm sure I just have to get into it, but it's tough. Granted I've only been there for two days and we haven't even started working yet, but... I don't know. I wish I could go to school drunk for the first few days so I'd have the courage to meet everyone. I spend so much time thinking about everything that I have no time to relax and just... be. I guess I will have to wait and see. I've never been very good at doing things alone so I'm sure that when I start meeting people and see Andy around campus things will start looking up. I hope.

I am so keen to write a very lengthy paragraph because I had the best and worst weekend of my life and I have endless amounts to say about it. But now, I'm pretty down and incredibly tired so I'm just going to fall asleep peacefully to the repetitive sounds of Counting Crows in my head. Night night.

I just read my firend's blog. He writes so well. It feels like he is inside my head. Everything I read of his seems to have come off the tip of my tongue. He doubts himslef as much as I do myself, he thinks the way I do, he communicates in writing in the same way, and yet, when I speak to him in person I feel a coldness from him. Our converstions can only be described as a half-hearted attempt at small talk. I hate it when I feel like I know someone so well but I have nothing to say to them! ARG.

It's funny how certain things can result in one having a good time. I saw my ex tonight and after having one of the worst days of my life the situation really pushed me off the egde. Well, it almost did.

As per usual I resorted to tequila and an obscene amount of vodka and soon enough I was back on my way. In the bathroom I found myself asking whether it was the alcohol that was changing my mood or if it was the guy that I had seen (that I have been after for what seems like an eternity), who was, much to my delight, finally peering in my direction. These type of questions always seem to find their way into my thoughts when I drink. Probably more so when I am sober but they become clear when I am a little inebriated. These thoughts are also the reason why I don't enjoy drinking as much anymore. In the past drinking was a way that I had found to communcate with others and let go of my thoughts and fears and whatever else. Now, since I have become more of an introvert, I find that drinking only enables me to think. And due to the fact that I cannot share my thoughts, what is the point of thinking? What is the point of anything if it cannot be shared? You see, there I go again.

I just got bitten by a spider. After seeing The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, that REALLY freaks me out!

It's happening again. The worst spiral of self-indulgeant depression one can experience. I have been fighting it away for so long that its seems to have manifested into this nagging feeling just below my heart, deeply caged by my ribs and other layers of protection forbidding its departure. My emotions are so indescribably conflicted with my thoughts concerning reason and rationalization. I could babble on forever about what I'm feeling but i guess it just boils down to a search for happiness. What is the real truth to being happy? Is it an actual possibility or should happiness be described merely as a collection of good moments plucked from the constant torment of life?

I think my worst conflict is that I feel justified to feel these feelings and yet so enraged at being so self-centered. I desperatly try to be optimistic and yet every time i catch a glimpse of hope and I feel that i might be able to conjure up the strength to be positive, a slip on the steep slope of a dark tunnel of misery and self loathing. Of course while the whole proceedure feels like a push and pull ambivilance of my soul, it becomes increasingly perpetual. The moment I slip, i begin to degrade myself not only for being selfpityful but also for knowing that I am being this way and that I don't have the courage or the strength to pull myself out of the worldpool.

I think I fear weakness.

I was so close to smsing Dean last night (it was actually more like this morning), but I didn't. Not for any other reason other than the fact that my phone went dead and I was too drunk and tired to find a charger. The reason I was going to is becasue I know that if I don't sms him, then I more than likely won't hear from him for months. Everytime I'm with him I realize how much like me he is and yet I can't seem to get it into my head. I'm hesitant to text him as I am afraid of two things: One, Nicole may stumble upon it which will ultimately lead to everyone knowing about us (including Carl), eliminating the surreptitious nature of the affair, eventually removing my desirability and causing both his and my interests toward one another to abruptly deteriorate. Two, if he doesn't reply it would cause my head to race even faster than it already is with thoughts of inadequacy and entrapment. I guess there is even a third, that he may be overjoyed, things will kick off again and I will once again end things for reasons reguarding my fear of sexual intimacy and the fear that it may ruin any chance of a promising future for us.
I guess the only reaons pushing me towards texting him are that he constantly moans about never hearing from me and that he is always the initiator, and that if I don't do something now I might lose him forever! Oh, and the hope that he may truely be happy to hear from me. Why does this have to be so confusing????

It's very strange that I always feel that I have so much on my mind that it's about to explode and yet when I have the chance to put it down in writing I go absolutely blank. I can't decide whether I just can't get my thoughts into order or if I'm just slightly afraid of my own thoughts. Expanding on the fear theory, I can't decide if I am actually afraid of my thoughts or if I'm afraid that another reader may find me a fool, a freak or a complete bore. Who knows? I guess either way it poses some sort of risk.

I have a huge bruise on my leg. I tripped over a step during my time at the coast (an incident which seems to occur quite regularly these days) and it felt like i had broken my femur. Well, I have never actually broken my femur so I guess I don't have the authority to make the comparison, but all in all it was bloody sore and I am now left with a greenish-yellow bruise roughly the size of a grapefruit on my left limb. Dot and I came away from our getaway with quite a large number of war scars, most of which we cannot recall the origin. In some peculiar way I take that as proof of a great holiday. Incredibly unatural to my usual behaviour, I failed to take many photographs, purely due to the fact that I don't own a camera anymore. If any readers have entered my room, you will then be aware of how an occurence such as this provokes profound concern in my life. The absence of regular visits to Q-Photo gives rise to an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, not to mention an empty space on my wall which has recently been left uninhabited.

I desparately need to organize a faster modem! I am now averaging 1h30min to download a single song... I wouldn't mind usually but limewire prohibits the simultaneous running of any other programme.

Yaaaawwwwn.

Well, our song writing didn't work out quite as planned. We have come to the conclusion that our talents are somewhat limited, but in true blogger spirit I will issue the lyrics regardless:

We went to the coast
And ate lots of toast
Because pizza is so very fattening!

Hmmmmmmmm...

We went to Unhlanga
and got lots of ganga
because it makes us so very very high!

Hmmmmmmm...

We're in the nean
and so very keen
to kiss all the good-looking boys!

Hmmmmmmmm.....

We drank with the cops
and took off our tops
on return from shitty cloud nine!

Hmmmmmmmm....


Ok, so it's a working progress.

I realized that most of the times that I blog it is most probable that I will be slightly intoxicated and therefore made huge plans to spend the entire night emptying my soul in my sober state of conciousness.

Unfortunately plans do tend to change and change they have. Dorothy and I have decided to write a much anticipated song as we fear that this may be our only chance. In order to make amends I have generously decided to publish the lyrics of this upcoming masterpiece, in an attempt to demonstrate my loyalty to this page.

:)

I hate starting new things. I never really know where to begin. I would hate to say something cheesy like 'Well, this is my first blog' or 'Welcome to the inner me' or something equally pathetic, so instead i will begin with something random.

The cheese price in New Guinea is rapidly increasing due to a shortage of goats.

Phew, I feel better now.

I am actually going to have to begin this again sometime due to the fact that i have just returned from a five-day-drunken-new-year-celebration at the coast. I am in no way capable of offering any insight into the depth of me, and in even less likely to attempt a humourous way of disguising my lack of concenration, brain power and energy. I plead forgiveness but I highly doubt that anyone I know is aware of the existance of my blog and with this realization comes consolation and inner peace.

Still trying to figure this whole thing out...