I was so close to smsing Dean last night (it was actually more like this morning), but I didn't. Not for any other reason other than the fact that my phone went dead and I was too drunk and tired to find a charger. The reason I was going to is becasue I know that if I don't sms him, then I more than likely won't hear from him for months. Everytime I'm with him I realize how much like me he is and yet I can't seem to get it into my head. I'm hesitant to text him as I am afraid of two things: One, Nicole may stumble upon it which will ultimately lead to everyone knowing about us (including Carl), eliminating the surreptitious nature of the affair, eventually removing my desirability and causing both his and my interests toward one another to abruptly deteriorate. Two, if he doesn't reply it would cause my head to race even faster than it already is with thoughts of inadequacy and entrapment. I guess there is even a third, that he may be overjoyed, things will kick off again and I will once again end things for reasons reguarding my fear of sexual intimacy and the fear that it may ruin any chance of a promising future for us.
I guess the only reaons pushing me towards texting him are that he constantly moans about never hearing from me and that he is always the initiator, and that if I don't do something now I might lose him forever! Oh, and the hope that he may truely be happy to hear from me. Why does this have to be so confusing????