Tessa left today. I have no words.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I had this huge fight with Carl and coz he makes me feel so inadequate and useless. The only time I feel like I remotely belong anywhere is when I'm with Matt and today he made me feel like an absolute stranger. He says he doesn't know me well enough to know how to make me feel better but it's bull shit. I think he knows me pretty damn well. And even if he doesn't, he's not gonna get anywhere by not trying.

I don't mean to put him down coz he has been really great to me. I'm just hurt and I feel really alone. The nice thing about having a boyfriend is having somewhere to turn; I am at a dead end.

I miss having someone who will tell me that everything's gonna be alright, even if all circumstances point toward the opposite. Someone who you can just sit with and say nothing and still feel so connected. Someone who doesn't have to know what's wrong, they'll just hug you purely for the sake of caring.

I miss Jo.

It's Matthew's birthday tomorrow. Actually, before i start writing I'd like to appologise in advance for my terrible spelling etc.; it is purely because i am typing at a keyboard which is unfamiliar to my finger tips.

I'm really worried that he won't like his presents. I've lost my touch.. I used to be so good at planning presents and making them special. Now I'm just a regular gift giver. How boring.

We all went away this past weekend. It was really great. We literally just chilled around doing nothing. It was just what I needed. And I got to spend some alone time with my baby. I let him see me in the underwear set Andy gave me for Christmas. I don't know why but I feel really comfortable with him, comfortable about myself. Which is strange because I've been with guys who have tried constantly to reassure me that they find me attractive, but with Matt it's almost like he doesn't have to. I don't feel as insecure as I used to, or as self-conscious. Although, maybe I'm just growing up.

I'm really tired.

YAWN.

But I'm waiting for this bloody Yahoo Messenger to download and it's taking for bloody ever.

I'm going to have a cigarette and write again later.

Matthew found my blog. And read it. Fruit cake. I don't really mind, I guess. All my super personal rubbish is written in my diary so I doubt any harm has been done. Except that every word I that type now, I know will be read. Strange feeling. Even though I knew before that people rad this, it didn't have the same impact.

I guess the real reason I'm not so overjoyed about his investigative work is that I don't want him to find out the worst about me. And if you want the worst, this is where you should come! (My diary is locked so it would be futile to search there.)
Also, I feel that if I have something nice to write about him, it may seem that I'm only writing it for him to read.

That's it... this is absolute tripe! I will from my next blog forward thoroughly forget that Matt found this. (I actually hope you are reading this baby.) Everything I write will be purely because I want to write it, for no benefit or detriment of others. I will provide no restraint, and no strings will hereafter be attatched.

I feel better.