I appologise profusely for the grammer and spelling errors in my post beginning with "I am sitting at Tom's house...". I feel that my grammatic imperfections were highly justified due to the fact that it was written after 3 glasses of wine, a hunters dry, a tequila and the rather infamous smackdown.

I was typing out my sms's and found one from "Joe" that had already been read, but I didn't receive it. I actually had no idea it was there until a moment ago. I'm glad I didn't know about it becasue I was hopelessly drunk last night and probably would have sent back something really stupid. I know it's stupid but I'm so relieved to hear from him. Even though he's an asshole, I feel really alone and it's quite comforting that someone out there (especially him) is thinking about me. I think it also has a lot to do with the ball being in my court; he is in a sense waiting for me to reply to him, as opposed to the rather regular routine of me awaiting his response.

I'm sitting at tom's house. I'm having a cigarette so it is difficult to type. And I'm am not used to a PC ketboard so this might take a while.
I had a really good time tonight. Other than the the fact that I want to cry at every opportune unterval... I don't know what I feel. I really want someone to tell me. This life is so full of confusion. I hate to seem like a pesismest but lets face it, that's what I am. Don't you hate it when yo feel so much and you can't put it into words?
Right now I'm back to basics. I'm still completely hung over about a guy that I can't have. It's funny because sometimes i think that he wants the same things that I( want but I just don't know how to say it out loud.
Sometimes I wish that this blog is something of an answer forem. I need so desperately for someone to give me some guidance, but I then start to wonder how selfish it is to ask for it. What do I do? Where do I go? Please.

Happiness is fleeting. I received a phone call tonight from somebody that I have been infatuated with for 6 years. He asked me to spend valentines day with him. I was in raptures! I later saw him somewhat unexpectedly and because my brother and the rest of the world was around, I deliberately ignored him. It's actually hilarius that I find myself able to flirt with anyone in front of my brother, exept him. I think it has something to do with the fact that even though he doesn't have a clue about what's going on between me and this libellous character, and for that reason I am always vigilent towards the situation. I am so torn because I know that it pisses this boy off endlessly but I also am very concerned about what will happen if my brother actually had to find out. Ambivalence was an affliction granted to me in large doses.
But back to the point. I was so extatic to hear from him and after I saw him we got into a fight. I drove home ruminating the situation I was faced with: do I call him and try sort things out or do I leave it and hope for him to call me? Well, I chose the latter and the moment I walked in the door my phone started ringing and his name appeared on the screen of my cell. I love the ups, I hate the downs. We are bck on for tomorrow night. Now I just have to figure out whether the pros really do weigh out the cons.
I miss my girls. Jo, Kay and Sarah, life is not worth living without you!

I really love my parents. I'm technically not allowed to stay out at guys house's for the night, and I accept that. I really respect them for trusting me enough to invite them here unstead. Most poeple don't have that opportunity. It's a wonderful freedom that means so much more merely due to the fact that it is such a rare privilage to have such unique guardians!

I have heard this song a million times and only now it makes sense. It is called 'Maggie May' by Counting Crows. I wish someone could understand how relevant this song is right now. But no-one understands. I'm alone. Again.

Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you
It's late September and I really should be back at school
I know I keep you amused, but I feel I'm being used
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home
Just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart and that's what really hurts
The morning sun when it's in your eyes really shows your age
But that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything
I laughed at all of your jokes
My love you didn't need to coax
Oh Maggie, I couldn't have tried any more
You led me away from home
Just to save you from being alone
You stole my soul and that's a pain I can do without
All I needed was a friend to lend a helping hand
But you turned into a lover and mother, what a lover,
you wore me out
All you did was wreck my bed
and in the morning kick me in the head
Oh Maggie, I couldn't leave you if I tried
You led me away from home
'Cause you didn't want to be alone
You stole my heart, I couldn't leave you if I tried
I suppose I could collect my books
and go on back to school
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living at playing pool
Or find myself a rock and roll band
That needs a helping hand
Oh Maggie, I couldn’t have tried anymore
You made a first class fool out of me
But I'm as blind as a fool can be
You stole my heart but I love you anyway
Oh Maggie I wish I’d never seen your face
I'll get on back home, one of these days