I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them

The last thing in the world I want to do is break up with him, but I’m starting to feel like I have no other choice.

I love him so much but every time she phones or is around, I have a near panic attack. For the girls, it feels like gloosies, but upside down ones that make me want to puke. And although it’s not intentional, he never seems to assuage me. I’m also pretty sure that even if he said everything I wanted to hear, I’d still have my doubts.

I don’t know what to do. Feeling this way is not only torture for me, but it’s tearing us apart because he doesn’t know how to make things better.

He’s seeing her tonight and I have prior arrangements. I don’t know which is worse; not being there but imagining what could be going on, or actually having to see them together, laughing and frolicking while I’m cringing inside with a fake smile on my face.

There’s an episode of Friends where Emily says she’ll return to New York on condition that Ross moves, sells his stuff and never sees Rachel again. I found this behaviour utterly ridiculous, and yet here I sit in her position. I still think it’s ridiculous, but I have a sense of understanding why she would feel that way.

My problem is that Ross and Rachel eventually end up together.